Where'd She Get That From?!?

From the moment my family and friends first laid eyes on Kate, they said "She looks JUST like Dave..."

Certainly I think Dave is good looking, but as a mom I couldn't help but want my baby to look a little bit like me...Over time, I grew used to it. And then I was pregnant again and I thought "THIS will be the baby that looks like ME..."

And for a second time, my hopes were dashed...Drew is a carbon copy of his sister, his father...

Last week, Dave was traveling for work. It was a crazy week as I juggled the demands of work and home alone, but I did it. I even managed to handle 2 doctor's appointments - Kate came home with what she described as an "angry tummy" on Tuesday and by Wednesday morning, it was so "angry" that she was in tears. Wanting to leave no stone unturned, I took her to the pediatrician who after some poking and prodding diagnosed her with heartburn...as he was making his diagnosis he turned to me and said "Most often in kids her age heartburn is caused by anxiety...do either you or your husband have anxiety issues?!?" REALLY?!? This is how she's going to be like me...not brown hair, not big brown eyes, but my anxiety?!? Oh my poor baby...

Fast forward to Friday and I find myself sitting with Kate's teacher for our first Parent/Teacher Conference of the Year and I listen as she tells me how well Kate is progressing - she's right on track to be well prepared for Kindergarten next year, BUT she is concerned because Kate she has noticed that Kate does not like to make mistakes, mistakes make her upset, mistakes often reduce her to tears of frustration...she turned to look at me and I immediately 'fessed up..."It's me, she gets that from me...mistakes are not ok with me either...I want things to be PERFECT, the FIRST TIME. She's just like me"

Turns out, she may look like Dave, but she has a lot of my personality traits - some good, like her big heart, like her laugh that is often so hard that it takes her breath away, but some that need some work, like the ability to be "ok" with making mistakes.

It's my hope that by the next Parent/Teacher conference that BOTH Kate and I will have made progress in this area - that I will be able to show BOTH my girl and myself that it's through mistakes that we learn the most...

Be Still My Heart...

My day was CRAZY...

Back to back conference calls, a doctor's appointment that ran L-O-N-G (2 hours LONG), afternoon meetings, and a huge pile of work that came home with me...

It was getting the best of me...

I could hear it in my voice, feel it in my muscles, hear it in my steps (or should I say stomps?!?)

I made it through bedtime and was ready for a few minutes just for ME..and then it started...Kate calling out for us...it's a recent addition to our bedtime routine, and an unwelcome one at that...

I'm not proud to admit this, but I sighed and stomped up the stairs...

Her purpose in calling for me had been for me to turn on her radio (music is another recent addition to our bedtime routine), BUT...

As I was leaving...she quietly said "Mamma?!?" I turned around to see her sitting up in her bed, arms outstretched. MELTED MY HEART.

I pulled her into me and she wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered "I love you, Momma"

And with that, I was reminded...of ALL that matters...

My children want to know that they are loved...that they matter...

My children want me to know that I am loved...that I matter...

The rest of it (the "busy-ness" of work, the laundry, the chores, the frantic pace of life) just doesn't compute.

And once again, my children have been the teachers and I...their student...

On The Ledge...

Last week, I found myself in Miami...now before you get green with envy, let me make this clear, I was NOT sitting on the beach with the sand between my toes and a cool drink in my hand...INSTEAD, I was sitting in a conference room, learning how to maximize revenue...(sure the conference room happened to be located in a luxurious Ritz Carlton hotel, but I digress...)

During the conference's "welcome", this quote was read:

"You will either step forward into GROWTH or you will step back into SAFETY."

Time for me to confess, I had flown into Miami the night before and had finally made it to my hotel room at 2:45AM so as the conference got underway at 8:30AM I was still very much holding onto my coffee cup for dear life and slowly waking up....

But those words got my attention and I felt my heart rate increase for I all of sudden felt as though I was alone in that conference room and the words were being read to me "Attention! Lori...we have an important message for you. Are you listening?!?"

Yes, I was listening...and my wheels were turning...

My wheels were turning about all that I could do as an employee to help my company take the necessary risks to grow their revenue stream, BUT...

More importantly, I was also thinking how this quotation could be applied to so many areas of my personal life -

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  To grow my marriage, I need to be willing to have the open, honest, transparent communication that is not always easy. This means I need to say the things that may be hard to say, but perhaps even more importantly, I need to listen to the things that may be hard to hear. To know that they are coming from a place of love.



• 
  
  
  To grow my friendships, I need to be the friend that will encourage my friends, push them, and similarly to my relationship with Dave, I need to engage in open, honest communication with my friends. I am lucky in that my closest group of friends have been a part of my life for 20 years and with that time comes familiarity and while that is good, while that is comforting, it can also be a hindrance for we sometimes don't allow ourselves to see that we are changing or that our friend is changing. Change doesn't mean that the friendship needs to end, it just means that it needs to adapt and we need to allow it to happen.



• To grow as a person, I need to be honest with myself about my feelings, my goals, my desires.

Throughout the day, I kept turning this quotation around in my head...I loved the idea of it "without risk, there is no reward", but I have to be honest...risk scares me...risk involves faith, risk involves uncertainty...

I...I like the known, I like a plan, I like statistics pertaining to a possible outcome...that's how I process whether a decision is a good one or a not so good one...

I also think often of the fact that the impact of my decisions are not limited to me - for they affect Dave, they affect Kate, Drew, and countless others in my life. To feel as though I may make a decision that could change the course of another's life, that's daunting, that's paralyzing...

BUT...I cannot let the fear paralyze me, the fear of the unknown, the fear of disappointing others...

I must step out onto that ledge and take the step FORWARD...believing first in myself and then in the others that surround me, that love me...

And as further affirmation that I needed to apply this principle to my life, as I caught up with old friends at my reunion several of them spoke of changes that they had made in their lives recently. They spoke of the risks they took, they spoke of the importance of being first honest with themselves, before they could be honest with anyone else, they spoke of the resulting growth in their relationships. From the risk, came JOY...JOY that radiated across their faces....

We each deserve to find that JOY...to GROW...

Let's step out onto that ledge TOGETHER...

Made My Night...

As I stated in a previous post, my 15 (still can't believe it) year high school reunion was this weekend...

The anticipation built throughout the day on Saturday...and finally the moment was upon me...

As I walked into the room, I couldn't help but smile because gathered were some of my absolute favorite people...and I could NOT wait to get my arms around them, pull them in for a hug, and then hear ALL about what had been going on with them...

And just as I had hoped, we were ALL anxious to catch up with each other, there were no groups, no outsiders...just a bunch of friends, reunited again....and I have to say, I do not know when it was that I last laughed so deeply, smiled so hard!

BUT...I have to say, my absolute favorite part of the night was when I was compared to Jennie Garth...for those of you that don't know, 90210 happens to be one of my favorite TV shows...despite being able to recite lines, recall story lines, I still watch re-runs on Saturday and Sunday...and admittedly watch the new season on CW. I just can't help myself!!

And not only is the show one of my favorites, but I also ALWAYS wanted to be like Jennie Garth, I mean c'mon...she was gorgeous, she had great clothes, she was popular, she was loved by Brandon (who I also happened to have a crush on), she lived at the beach...what more could a girl want?!?

And with that complement, my night was MADE...not really, my night was MADE as I laughed with old friends, introduced them to Dave, told them of Kate and Drew, and heard about their lives...but that complement certainly helped!

Already looking forward to the 20 year!!

Purposeful...

We've all experienced pain in our life...

Moments that have caused us to feel as though our heart was literally breaking into 2 pieces, each with raw edges...

Moments that have caused us to doubt ourselves and our perception of others...

And in those moments, the pain was so intense, so crushing that we wanted to quickly move on...we did not want to dwell in that place...

And as time marched forward, the memories became less vivid, the pain began to subside....UNTIL...

UNTIL...a date on a calendar, a song on the radio, a place, a trigger of any kind...brought it all back...and again, we were left holding our heart, hoping to keep the fragile healing in place...

But here's what I've come to realize...pain serves a purpose...

We can't hope to quickly move past it, to forget the experience(s) completely, to move forward and never look back...

Instead we should (and I know this is going to sound C-R-A-Z-Y, but stay with me), hope to always feel the pain...for in the pain, we remember...we remember that we LIVED...that we FELT...that we LOVED...that we LEARNED...that we SURVIVED...

In my own experiences, it has been the dark moments that I have faced that I have learned the most about myself, others, the relationships that I share with others and as painful as those lessons have been, I need to be reminded of them...

Rescue Me...

Ok Fellow Moms,

I'm in search of the "Easy Button" for my life...

My house is being overtaken...by 2 things...

1) Laundry

2) Artwork

And I want it BACK...I want a sense of order, organization...

BUT, I also want to be able to enjoy time with Kate and Drew at the end of the day, on the weekends, I don't want to be confined to our laundry room...and certainly there are the moments after they go to bed or while they nap, but to be honest after waking up at 5:30 and working all day, I also am ready to go to bed or take a nap!

So...how do you do it? You all seem to have it together - I've been to your perfectly organized houses, with laundry neatly folded in drawers, not piled up in various rooms...

And what about the artwork, the drawings, the doodles? Do you keep them ALL or just a select few? How do you rationalize getting rid of some?

Because I Knew You...

Last week, Christie and I treated ourselves with tickets to Wicked...it was a great show and I was so glad to enjoy it with a great friend!

I have to say, the last musical number of the show, "For Good", brought tears to my eyes...

As Elphaba sang to Glinda "I know I'm who I am today because I knew you...so much of me is made of what I learned from you...you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart..." I felt a stirring in my heart as I thought about the many people that have made me...ME

I am a firm believer that people are brought into our lives for a reason, bringing with them a lesson we need to learn...that we can't learn without them...

And the fact is, I don't recognize that enough, thank those people enough for all that they have done and continue to do...until NOW...

Dave - You've taught me to live in the moment...not to worry about what could happen or think about all that I have to do...you remind me that if I'm constantly thinking about the future, I risk missing the moment that is unfolding in front of me...

Christie - You've taught me strength...you have faced and overcome experiences that I haven't and to be honest, that I'm not sure that I could...and each and every time, you have possessed such strength, you have done what you knew needed to be done, no matter how hard, you have kept going...never letting fear get the best of you...

Meredith - You've taught me the values of both hardwork and perserverance...I am so in awe of the things that you have accomplished...obtaining both a Master's degree and a PHD while balancing the demands of a growing family and teaching; then, taking your knowledge of the classroom and the "inner-workings" of a school to a role in Human Resources to help find the "best fit" of teacher and school -- you are such a "people person" and this role fits you so and while I know this may not have been the path you saw for yourself, I want you to know how very proud of all that you have accomplished, of all that you continue to accomplish, for even though you are not standing in front of a group of students, your impact is still felt in the classroom...

Stacy - You've taught me to have faith...to believe that things will work out as they should, and that may not be as we plan, but that's ok because we must keep the faith...When things feel as though they are spiraling out of control or getting a bit "scary", we need to keep going...to continue putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that it is all part of a greater plan...that we will learn from these experiences...and that no matter the outcome, we are not alone...we are supported by the love of our family, our friends...

Mandi - You've taught me to have character...to not let your experiences get the best of you, to define you...

And there are others, so many others...they may have drifted in and out, but their impact is still felt each and every day, they are carried in my heart and always will be...

To ALL of you...Because I knew you, I have been changed for good...

I love you ALL -

The Way We Were...

As hard as it is for me to believe, my 15 year high school reunion is Saturday...

Over the past few months, it has been the subject of much conversation amongst my friends and I...would we go? More importantly, what would we wear?!? (some things never change...)

Once we decided we would go, the next decision was whether or not we'd take our husbands with us...as Dave and I talked about it, he would often say "I'm happy to go and be there for you, but just remember I won't really know anyone..."

Over the past few days, I've come to realize that I won't really know anyone either...Sure, I will be familiar with the names and the faces, I will know the people that they were THEN, but I don't know who they are NOW...the fact is, NONE of us are the people we were then...

Since walking across the stage at the Fairgrounds, we have all taken different paths...had different experiences...

But we are all connected...by a common starting point...

I look forward to Saturday, to meeting "old friends" for the first time...

Holding On...

While with my mom the other day, I watched her knit a scarf...with her own hands she was creating something for someone...

When that scarf is worn they will think of her...

And I know how special that is because I am lucky enough to have a scarf of my own as well as several things that she has cross-stitched for me throughout the years...In those gifts, I have something "tangible" to hold onto, to remind me of how she loves me so.

Ask Dave and he'll tell you, I'm BIG about being able to see something, hold onto it...it's how I learn, it's how I remind myself, now that I think about it, I see that it's how I bring comfort to myself...when I'm in doubt, I can find this object, I can hold it tight to my chest, and be comforted...

And because it's what I SEEK, what I CRAVE, I often try to GIVE it to others...but here's the rub, I often feel as though I fall short, I can't sew, knit, crochet, paint, draw...

I'm not really much of a cook, though this is an area I'd like to improve on as I love the thought of Kate and Drew saying "I really love my mom's _____ (right now they'd say, "I really love it when my mom picks up dinner from Martins!")

BUT what I have come to see recently is that I have the gift of my words...the ability to put my thoughts and feelings down, to describe how I feel about someone... to give them a piece of my heart to hold onto in the moments they need comfort...

We all have a way of leaving something for someone else, something to bring them comfort, to remind them on a hard day that they are loved, cherished...once we figure it out, we should put it to use because we all need something to hold onto from time to time...

Favorite Things Friday

Do you ever hear your voice and think "I just don't like the way that it sounds?!?" I'm talking about more than the sound of it, though I'll be the first to admit I don't like to listen to my own voice on a voicemail, video, etc, more I'm referencing the tone, the emotion, the words...

Over the past few days, I've been listening and I've heard lots of "I don't like..."

"I don't like getting up early in the morning..."

"I don't like the way I look in these pants, this shirt..."

"I don't like the end of the day when Drew does more crying than laughing and Kate's dialogue is full of whining..."

"I don't like deciding what to have for dinner..."

"I don't like fighting the never ending battle of laundry..."

"I don't like this TV show..."

I don't like, I don't like, I don't like...

But what about those things that I do like? Perhaps I should focus more on those and in doing so, I'll turn my attitude around...

Hence, my first FAVORITE THINGS FRIDAY. In no particular order, a few of the things that make me one happy girl:


1) The sound of Kate and Drew's deep belly laugh
2) Coke from the fountain - so much better than from a can
3) Old school Michael Jackson and Stevie Wonder
4) Episodes of the "original" 90210, The O.C., One Tree Hill, Friends, Dawson's Creek...hmmm seems to be a bit of a pattern here
5) Chocolate in ANY FORM (candy, ice cream, cake)
6) A nap
7) Fresh flowers
8) A pedicure
9) The aroma of Dave's shampoo and body wash coming from the shower in the morning
10) The way Dave's eyes light up when he grins...oh how I L-O-V-E that grin...14 years and counting and it still makes my heart beat a little faster!


All of these are within in my reach at all times...so when I catch myself heading into a negative direction, I'm going to grab one (or ALL of the above depending on the severity) and turn things around...


What are some of your favorite things?

Just Because...

I L-O-V-E this smile and it melts my heart...(but BELIEVE me, he also knows that and often uses it to his advantage!)

Homework...

Since we (and yes I mean "we" because this is proving to be a family affair) started Pre-K...we've had Homework...


This has been as much as an adjustment for Dave and I as it has been for Kate as it's just "one more thing" to add to our already jam packed nightly routine...


And the kicker?!? It's once a week...what we'll do when it becomes a nightly occurence I don't know and am trying not to worry about...I've got a year before that becomes my reality...


This week's assignment...to think of 3 goals that she has for Pre-K...3 things she wants to learn...


And it got me to thinking...what are my goals?!? And to be honest...I couldn't think of any...so often than not, I'm thinking of others...what Kate and Drew need, what Dave needs, what my boss needs...that I'm not comfortable thinking of myself...


But I need to...not because I am selfish, but because I have a responsibility to myself, a love for myself and to be all that I need to be for others, I need to take care of myself...and I have only this one chance...


I heard it said recently..."Regret does not come from the things that we say or do, but instead regret comes from those things that we do NOT say or do..."


How true! For in doing or in saying, we are not letting the fear, the unknown, the logistics, all the reasons why we shouldn't stop us in our tracks...we are going for it...we are living...


The first step is identifying WHAT we want to do...and I don't think we have to think of goals of being "lofty achievements" - they can be something simple like "I want to wake up 5 minutes earlier so that I can truly savor my morning cup of coffee instead of gulping it down as I run around the house getting everyone up and dressed" or "I want to make sure that in the craziness of the end of the day, I take the time to change into my "comfy clothes" so that I don't wake up on the couch still in my work clothes at 1AM..." On second thought, those are lofty goals some days...but my point is, start with the WHAT - big or small...


Then we figure out HOW...there is ALWAYS a way...


Looks like I have a little homework of my own to do...

Within The Lines...

In the past few weeks, it has become tradition to end the day with a coloring session...

Kate grabs her markers, a few of her favorite coloring books, and sets up camp on the floor of the living room...

And she loves the company of Dave or I...and to be honest, I love that time with her...those are the moments that I hear about her day...not as answers to the questions I ask (What did you have for lunch? Who did you play with? What did you learn about?), but the day from her perspective...her thoughts, her insights...they are such precious moments...

Lately, she has been focused on "coloring like Mommy" and by that she means coloring within the lines...

I've watched her, tongue out in deep concentration and I am so proud of the "progress" she's made, but there have been some eye opening experiences along the way...one night, I watched her go a little outside the lines and she quickly turned the page and started over...when I asked her why she started a new picture, she quickly responded "I went outside of the lines."

And with that move, I was convicted of two important lessons I need to teach both Kate and Drew...not with my words, but with my actions...

I'll be the first to admit...I am your "typical" type A...a perfectionist in ALL that I do...and mistakes, well they're not ok with me...

But the fact is...mistakes are a part of life...we can't hide them...we can't always start over with a fresh page...instead, more often than not, we have to recognize the mistake and keep going...hoping not to make the same one...So I've been careful lately, to let Kate see me make mistakes, and more importantly, to see me be "ok" with making them...that's not easy...I am fighting it, but I keep going...

Secondly, we shouldn't always "stay within the lines" - life can't always be neat and orderly...for as long as I can remember...I have had a plan...I needed to take certain classes to get into the college I wanted to go to, I needed to have certain experiences for my resume to get the job I wanted, I wanted to get married, start a family...and while I think having an overall plan for your life is a good thing, I think sometimes a plan can hinder us more than it can help us...for we miss those moments we're not planning on, we don't let life surprise us...

Some of the best moments are the ones we don't plan on...they are the ones that take you by surprise, that take your breath away...that knock you to your knees...I've learned this since I've been a mom...but I wish I would have learned it sooner, that I would have "planned" for more spontaneous moments, lived outside the lines...

It never ceases to amaze me...I'm supposed to be teaching my children, guiding them along the way, but instead more often than not, I find them teaching me...fulfilling needs, voids, I wasn't even aware of...

And for that, we will all be better...

And Here I Go...

For as long as I can remember, I have worked hard to maintain a balance of needing to "talk things out" and keeping my thoughts close to my chest as I did not want to say something that could in any way cause those in my life to think less of me or love me less...as I have often struggled (as we all have) with my view of myself...of feeling as though I needed to earn the friendship or love of others through my words, my actions...through being "just the right" person...

Over the past 6 months, I have tried to suppress the voice in my head that was telling me (over and over and over again) that I needed to let go of that fear and instead love myself enough to be completely vulnerable and transparent with my thoughts and feelings...to let others see "all' of me - my weaknesses, my insecurities, my joys, my sorrows...

As a parent, I think there is no greater lesson that I can teach my children than to love themselves enough to truly be themselves...and how can I teach them if I'm not willing to take the same leap of faith?!?

With this blog, I hope to share a little of this crazy little thing I call life - the precious moments I am blessed to share with Kate and Drew, the moments that both Dave and I find success (as parents, as a couple, professionally), but perhaps more importantly...the moments I would normally keep to myself - the moments I find myself frustrated, the moments where I fall short...I keep them to myself because it's not what I want others want to see, for I am afraid of what they would think, but the truth is...we all have those moments, we're not proud of them, but we have them and they are the moments that we learn the most about ourselves...the moments that we are most "real"...

I think we will all learn something along this journey - there will be laughter, there may even be tears, but without a doubt there will be LOVE, for each other and for ourselves...

And with that...