I was once a fourth grader who was often found crying in the bathroom...

I was once a fifth grader who willingly ate god-awful combinations of food at lunch time as demanded by the "it" girls...

I was once a sixth grader who was bullied on the bus...

I was once a high school girl who was part of a "three-some" (the wholesome kind!), who learned the hard way that 3 doesn't work...

I have often felt left out, I have often felt unworthy, I have often felt as though I was not ENOUGH...I often wore a mask, hiding my thoughts, my needs, my wants in an effort to be who I thought others wanted or needed me to be to be their friend...

I have told you (all 7 of you that read my thoughts) that my goal for 2012 is to learn to believe that I am ENOUGH...

For all that I am, for all that I am not, for my strengths, for my weaknesses, I am ENOUGH...

Easy enough to say...

Nearly impossible to believe, but I'm getting there...

I'm getting there because I'm letting myself out...

I'm "showing off" my dancing skills to Drew while cooking dinner and the sound of his deep belly and his shreaks of "Dance! Dance!" overcome my self-consciousness...

I'm wearing clothes that I wouldn't normally wear (we're talking slightly more trendy than my normal) and I'm feeling good in them thanks to the encouragement of Dave, my co-workers, my freinds...

I'm showing my heart, my vulnerabilities to my friends, and I'm feeling better by the minute because I am being shown such love, such understanding in return...

I read a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson this morning - "A true friend is one who will make us do what we can."

And his words rang true in my heart for it is through the love, the encouragement, the pushes of Dave, Christie, Meredith, and Stacy -- the absolute best friends that any girl could ask for that I am learning...more than that, that I am slowly beginning to believe...I am ENOUGH...that I am being shown what true freindship is...

That I CAN...That I WILL...That they will be there...Should I SUCCEED...Should I FAIL...

Love, Friendship...it's not about saying or doing what you think the other person WANTS to say or wants to hear, it's about saying or doing the things they NEED to hear...It's loving ENOUGH to do those things...

How very blessed I am...

A Boy And His Dog...

Last year for Valentine's Day, I purchased a blue corduroy puppy for Drew...someTHING cute and cuddly for my someONE cute and cuddly...Little did I know what would come next...

On Valentine's Day, I handed Drew his puppy, he smiled his grin...that grin that takes over his ENTIRE face and there was no looking back. My boy...he was IN LOVE.

At first "blue puppy" (so aptly named by Kate) was necessary only for sleeping...

NOW, "DOGGIE!" (as so aptly named by Drew and said with much enthusiasm) is necessary for EVERYTHING...

From the moment that Drew's eyes pop open and he starts his day with some high spirited jumping in his crib, to the moment that he lays down and fights the battle against sleep, DOGGIE! is in his arms...DOGGIE! joins us for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (and if often offered food and drink), DOGGIE! goes to daycare, DOGGIE! goes on all our errands, when life gets a little out of sorts, DOGGIE! is who Drew turns to, he brings him to his nose (don't ask...I have no idea why), and all is right again...

MELTS.MY.HEART

(And let me just say, DOGGIE! has on occasion been left in our bed and I, too, have cuddled with him, inhaling the sweet smell of my baby boy and the memories of his childhood...I have a feeling, when Drew's "too old", he will become mine and a reminder of days gone (too quickly) by)

Hit The Streets...

Sports have never been my thing...

Our adversarial relationship started early...I played T-Ball, my dad was the coach, and I...well needless to say I was NOT the star of the team...From T-Ball, I moved on to soccer...again, NOT the star...in fact, my the only goal I scored was for the opposing team...

As I grew, I found my "sweet spots"...I thrived on the track team, on my pool's swim team...I loved being a part of a team (reference earlier posts on my NEED to be included), but I also loved that my moments of success (or failure) impacted only me...

And as a young girl, I also loved the time to think things through...as I ran, as I swam, I also pondered, I decided...Now...as a mom, as a working mom, I find myself more and more in need of that time...I need the time to think through my thoughts, I need the exercise...I need both the emotional and physical fulfillment...

To that end, I've set a goal for myself in 2012...

I want to run (and more importantly FINISH) a HALF MARATHON...

In my head, the "Lifetime Movie Version" of this goal plays over and over...it goes a little something like this...

I'm running, enjoy the feel and sound of each step, the miles are passing easily, I'm barely breaking a sweat, and as I near the finish line, I see Kate and Drew...I pick up Drew and grab Kate's hand and cross the finish line with both my "babies" in tow...not only achieving my goal of finishing, but finishing "ahead" of time...

Sounds good, right? I think so...

Certainly accomplishing this goal is going to take some work...some hard work...

A couple of weeks ago, I went out and bought new shoes, new clothes...I was ready...

Last week, I set out for my "inaugural" run with a good friend...new shoes on, IPOD full of inspiring songs, I was ready...

Or so I thought...about a 1/2 mile in, I was gasping for air...I was sweating, looking like I had run a lot farther than 1/2 mile...while my body was in a bit of "shock" from the sudden activity after years of INACTIVITY, the biggest obstacle I faced was my mind...I could hear the voice saying "Wouldn't it be nice to walk?!?" "Do you really think you're going to be able to run 13 miles if you're already this tired after 1/2 mile?!? Just give up now..." "This is looking NOTHING like the Lifetime Movie Version..."

I pushed...that's not to say that I didn't walk because I did, but then I ran again...and I FINISHED...

Will it be necessary to physically train?!? ABSOLUTELY. But more importantly to emotionally train...To BELIEVE...I am ENOUGH...I CAN do it...

Who knows? I just may surprise myself and live the Lifetime Movie Version...

One Word...

I must confess, I am a stalker, I am a stalker of other blogs...it started innocently enough, reading the blog of several people that I in fact do KNOW and more than that people that I LOVE.

After savoring their thoughts and feelings, my gaze would drift to their "blog roll" - the list of blogs that they read and I would randomly click on one (ok...you caught me...ALL of them) and read...feeling instantly as though I, too, knew these writers...their lives, their families...

And here's the thing...it is through my stalking that I have found some of my greatest inspirations...moments that have created a stirring in my heart...

To that end, I had one of those moments today...I stumbled across a project called "One Little Word." The idea? To pick one word for the year to focus on, mediate on, reflect upon as you go about your daily life.

Words have power...words can build you up, words can tear you down, words can inspire you...

A new year is upon us...a fresh start, 365 days of possibilities....

In thinking about the things I want to do, the things I want to be in 2012, it hit me that they can all be summed up in one word...

ENOUGH

My goal for 2012...to believe that I alone am ENOUGH...for all my strengths, for all my weaknesses, for all that I bring to the table, and for all that I take from others, I am ENOUGH...I am ENOUGH to be loved by others, but more importantly by myself...

To believe wholeheartedly that I do not need to do MORE, or be MORE, but just be ME...because in doing so, I am more than ENOUGH...for Kate, for Drew, for my friends, for my family...

Certainly it never hurts to hear these things from others, but this year...I'm going to take it one step further, I'm going to try to "buy what they're selling" - I'm going to see the good in me as much as I see the good in others...

And if I had to guess, I'd venture to say that this belief...it's going to bring some unexpected blessing my way this year...

The grass on my side of the fence...

Like many others, I often compare myself to others and their personalities, their lives, their homes, their children...

Can I be as cute as my friends?

Can I be as funny?

Can my house look as organized? As nicely decorated?

Can my children be as well mannered? As cutely dressed?

What I have never stopped to think about or even remotely consider is that there could be people thinking the same thoughts about ME...

That is until last week when a friend stopped me and said how she so enjoyed reading my blog (and do you know - she could have stopped RIGHT THERE for I just love the thought of someone enjoying my words, my thoughts...), but she went on to further say that it seems as though "the grass is always green" on my side of the fence...

Her thoughts got me to thinking (and laughing for they could NOT be further from the truth)...and what I realized is that she thinks that way because that's what I let her see, through my words, through the memories and moments I share...

And once again I was reminded of the importance of showing vulnerability, of being completely honest with yourself, with others...

To all my fellow moms, let me give your Christmas gift from me a little early this year so that you can see that the grass on my side of the fence is not green, it's full of those brown ugly patches, it's full of weeds...

My life is not perfect...I struggle DAILY to keep up with my job in the office and my job at home and often feel as though I am coming up short in both...I struggle to balance the need to spend quality time with my children, my husband and just wanting to check into a hotel for the weekend ALONE (me, a big bed, room service and complete control of the remote sounds like HEAVEN)...I struggle to not let my impatience get the best of me, but there are moments when I am short with my children or Dave, when I admittedly count down the minutes to nap time or bed time or encourage Dave to go out for the night with his friends...I struggle with keeping up with laundry...I struggle with winning the battle over clutter and often do nothing more than move things from one place to another...I don't make my bed most mornings (or have Kate make hers)...I don't make dinner for my kids, instead we often pick up something and bring it home (why does that feel like a step above eating out) or just heat up something in the microwave...I still carry many of the teenage girl insecurities of wanting to be like, to be accepted, to not wanting to be "left out"...

Feeling better yet?!? I know I do...being able to share my heart...it takes courage, it takes belief in myself and in others, but it is liberating...

Here's to encouraging others...but more importantly encouraging OURSEVLES, loving OURSELVES as we love others...

Almost As Good As "The Coffee Store"...

I'm a HUGE coffee drinker...

Even better I'm a HUGE fan of Starbuck's...

The downside...I'm the ONLY coffee drinker in my house (though Drew demands multiple sips each morning so there is hope yet)

Being the ONLY coffee drinker means no weekend mornings curled up in the chairs at Starbuck's, hands wrapped around warm cups, savoring each sip, trading bites of yummy breakfast treats, people watching, and talking...not "throwing words" at each other as we run from point A to point B, but truly talking, catching up, laughing until we can't breathe, smiling until our cheeks hurt...

BUT...I am beginning to see the tide turning...as the weather grew colder and the holidays began to show themselves in walks through parks to admire the lights, in parties, in time spent with family and friends, Kate has enjoyed her first tastes of hot chocolate and she L-O-V-E-S it...and I LOVE that she loves it and I LOVE that Starbuck's has great hot chocolate...

I wasted no time in taking her...just as I thought she was a FAN! She requests it at least once during the week and often both days of the weekend and I am more than happy to oblige...of course I love the coffee, but more, I love the time with my girl..each of us curled up with our own "red holiday cup"...

Of course, it's not always feasible for us to make a trip to Starbuck's so I wanted to make sure we were prepared when she had a craving at home...I found a recipe for "homemade" hot chocolate and tonight, me and my girl whipped up a batch, she grabbed a bath, and then we both settled on the couch, in our jams, cup in hand and savored the sips (complete with marshmallow mustaches)

She looked at me, smiled, and said "Momma...this hot chocolate is as good at the hot chocolate at the 'coffee store'"...oh how I love her!

Kate's "Almost As Good As Starbuck's" Hot Chocolate

8 Cups Powdered Milk
6 Cups Nestle Quick (approximately a 1 lb. 8 oz box)
4 Cups Powdered Sugar
2 - 8 oz. jars powdered flavored coffee creamer **
11 oz jar powdered regular coffee creamer
1/2 tsp. salt

**The flavor you choose will be the flavor of your hot chocolate. I used vanilla (or "banilla" as Kate says), but you could use any flavor

Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl
Store in an airtight container
Mix together 1/4 cup mix and 1 cup hot water
ENJOY

MMM-WAH

Over the course of the past few days, the adorable face below has picked up a new trick and it's BY FAR my favorite...

While I'm holding him, he grabs my face (perhaps a little too rough for my liking, but I'll take it) says "MMM-WAH" as he plants a big kiss on my face (perhaps it's more like biting my face, but again, I'll take it) and then with a big smile on his face, he puts his nose to mine and wraps his arms around my neck...

Just might be the best "first kiss" I've ever had...